Westerosi Spank Bank :: Male Edition

Game of Thones is epic. So epic, that I'm rereading the series while waiting for season four. With all this time on my hands, what's a fangirl to do?

Time to do the top ten male hotties in Game of Thrones, my take.

This list will contain spoilers and theoretical spoilers. This is me proudly waving my nerd flag.

A FanGirl's Guide to Westeros.

I can admit it, HBO's Game of Thrones sold me first episode. For a couple of months my brother would keep bringing up Game of Thrones. Whoop de fucking dooo. Didn't care. He burned the first season onto DVD for me and he had to hound me to watch them. So I finally did. Watched all of season one in a single sitting.

With YouTube being the wonder that it is, I have assembled a guide for those who are audio/visual learners. Those who have read the novels (Admittedly, I'm on A Clash of Swords right now) will appreciate the nuances that narration can bring. Those new to the wild land of mind games in hopes of scoring a throne will enjoy a perspective not really expounded upon in the series.

And for those of you who haven't yet seen GoT for yourself, give it a whirl. It's fantasy, but a more gritty version of Lord of the Rings. A version filled with lust, violence, and songs of pwning disrespectful families. It's very character driven. And Tyrion is my favorite.


On that note, let me get down to business.


Westeros has a history that goes back twelve thousand years. Yeah. So I'll use THIS VID as a way to bring you up to speed before you get going below.

[each link will open into a new window. heads up on that.]

WAY IN THE PAST
-History and Lore The Children of the Forest, The First Men, and the Andals. [Indigenous peoples, treaties and invasions]
-The Age of Heros [300 years before the start of Book/Series]

NOTABLE PLACES
- History and Lore of Valyria [Where the last invaders came from]
-The Free Cities [Cities in Essos, a contient across the Narrow Sea]
- Harrenhal
- Dragonstone

RELIGIONS
- Old Gods and New
- The Drowned God

ORDERS OF PEOPLE WORTH NOTING
- The Night's Watch
  - as told by House Stark
  - as told by House Lannister
- The Maesters
- The Warlocks
- The Alchemists Guild
- The Free Folk

THE GREAT HOUSES OF WESTEROS
- Targaryen
   -Character Study
- Baratheon
- Stark
  -Character Study
- Lannister
   -Character Study: Tytos and Tywin   |  Cersei, Jamie and Tyrion
- Tyrell
- Greyjoy
- Arryn

20 YEARS BEFORE THE BOOKS/SERIES START
Robert's Rebellion
THE MAD KING, AS TOLD BY:
- Lannister
- Stark
- Baratheon
- Davos Seaworth

ROBERT'S REBELLION, AS TOLD BY:
- Baratheon
  -Stannis Baratheon
- Catelyn Stark
- Targaryen
- Tyrell
- Davos Seaworth

THE FIELD OF FIRE, AS TOLD BY:
- House Targaryen
- House Stark

THE SACK OF KINGS LANDING, AS TOLD BY:
- House Targaryen
- House Baratheon
- House Stark
- House Lannister

After the rebellion
THE GREYJOY REBELLION, AS TOLD BY:
- Theon Greyjoy
- Robb Stark
- Stannis Baratheon

MISCELLANEOUS
- House Clegane

A Fucking Magical Night, my friends.

Between the new Game of Thrones episode (Aww, I feel so bad for Sansa and Tyrion! She should smile though-- Peter Dinklage is way hotter than Jack Gleeson. She missed a fucking bullet train with that psychopath. Anyhoo, the bit where Tyrion is describing the shrine he'll build himself [being the God of Tits and Wine and all] at the next brothel he visits... priceless. I'd love to party with that Lannister.) and getting THE BOSS ARC, ohmygoodygoodness, last night was pure lip-nibbling entertainment.


Being that Chapter 16 has been published online, I scrolled straight to Chapter 17 and devoured the rest of the novel in a couple hours. If you have not had the pleasure of eyehumping Neil Elwood, you have no idea what you are missing. If I could sum up THE BOSS by Abigail Barnett in three words, it'd be something like this:

Pure. Fucking. 

Awesome Sauce.

In a great many ways, I can relate to Sophie. But there were times I felt frustrated that she'd risk her relationship with a guy who adores the hell out of her, when she feels the same (but with more anxiety). Sophie is a well-rounded character; snarky, intelligent, independent and quirky. Neil is pretty spiffy, himself. Take away the money, and he's still a likable and approachable male lead. And hot as all hell, oh yeah [ignore my swoon, please]. Here is a kinky old man I wouldn't mind visiting for a length (wink wink) of time.

There were plenty of heart-melting and panty-pooling moments as Sophie and Neil push each other to new heights of sensual exploration. Awkward moments abounded, too; Neil's adult daughter overhearing one of their bouts d'amour and making for a very uncomfortable breakfast. Emma could have easily been a one-dimensional character; someone who hated who her father dated, being a Daddy's Girl and all. But no. She adapts and evolves into someone I can grudgingly respect; even through her introduction will not be long forgotten.

Between navigating that borderland of Fuck Buddy and Something More, and trying to keep head above water when it comes to a cut-throat business ethics and balancing a very tawdry sex life with one's incredibly nummy boss, Sophie has her hands full.

When all is said and done, I will continue to recommend THE BOSS to people who love naughty reads, despite me making this face when I tried scrolling down to read the next chapter and realizing there is no next chapter. 

In Defense of Ros. And Fuck You, Joffery [A GoT Rant]

Once upon a time, there was a castle in the north called Winterfell. And outside the mighty walls of said castle, dwelled a wee village with its own whorehouse. But this was no mere whorehouse; it held a gem by the name of Ros.

Ros was a rambunctious redhead with big breasts, and had the ability to charm men using her, uh, wiles. She put Theon in his place and flirted with Tyrion. But then war came when the Lord of Winterfell died by order of a shitheaded little fucker who severely needs to get his throat ripped out by Nymeria, you know, after being curbed American X style. Then his head rent from his body and stuck upon a pike and marched around the capital city so all can cheer that the incestuous bastard who is the sum of all that is wrong in the world  is FINALLY fucking dead after tormenting so many poor lives. Yes, I fucking hate Joffery, and if I sound slightly unhinged, pardon moi. I just hope the fucking producers write a death worthy of such an arrogant sack of blonde puke and spunk. Seriously, if he gets poisoned and dies in his sleep, I might rampage. I fucking hate him, and here's me hoisting my tankard high in hopes that he suffers.   Ahem, I digress.

Ros was a bright woman with ambition. She knew her fate lay where there were people and power.  She traveled south to Kings Landing and got caught up with Littlefinger the fucking fucktard son of a bitch. Mr. Littlefinger was not a good man to work for, and as Ros came to find out, cared little about the workers in his brothel.

It was within the walls of Littlefinger's establishment, that a baby was murdered. Rumors flew of him selling his depressed sex workers to deviants as soon-to-be-dead toys. Littlefinger cared naught for any, unless something went amiss with his profit margins.

Littlefinger didn't give much of a shit that Ros was forced to beat another prostitute under the king's direction as he got his fucking jollies.

After suffering horrible experience after traumatic nightmare, she worked up the ranks in search of a better life.

Ros, the bright and beautiful woman, left her former profession behind and became assistant to Littlefinger, and privy to his schemes, especially a specific scheme involving a young noble woman held hostage at court. A young noble woman who grew up in the castle of Winterfell.

Despite being a spy for the Master of Whispers, Ros cared about the young noble woman, being that they both grew up in the same area, and the noble woman's father was once Ros' lord.

Ros told the Master of Whispers of Littlefinger's plot.

Littlefinger found out.  Littlefinger was a spiteful prick.

He gave Ros to Joffery as a plaything. And as the sack o'Lannister spunk got his jollies, he killed the one character I really liked. 

Oh, Joffery. I don't need to tell you this, I'll share because it applies.

FUCK YOU.

I was shocked to find out how Ros got written out of Game of Thrones. Granted, she wasn't a canon character, nor terribly important to the plot, but I found her fun and refreshing. And I liked how all the men at Winterfell "knew" Ros.

A) I'd like to thank the producers for having her on as long as they did.

B) Seriously, I hope they do justice with Joffery's death (ahem)

C) For reals. G.R.R. Martin can't let them do anything less.